For Valentine’s Day I decided to do something special. Today I will be accepting applications from men who would like to date my human. My standards are quite high, and here are the minimum qualifications:
1) Must be human, male, and aged 30-50.
2) Must know how to use basic power tools and spell-check.
3) Must have excellent personal hygiene and all teeth (or suitable replacements).
4) Must be employed or independently wealthy, have a place to live that does not also house his mother, and own a car that runs.
5) Must be willing to mow the lawn and wash the dishes.
6) Must love cats. A lot. But not too much.
To apply for dating status, men meeting this criteria should submit a 500 word essay on modern romance. The deadline for essays is March 1, and winners will be notified on April Fool’s Day. If you have any questions regarding the basic requirements above, then please don’t waste my time with an essay.